Afros, Twists, and Smiles: What's Love got to do with it??? A Rant!!!

I have not always known that I was loved. I imagine since I have a relatively large family, that as a baby and young child, I was surrounded by people who loved and cared about me. I have seen pictures of people playing with me as a baby, of my mother cuddling me, of me receiving hugs and kisses. But, like a lot of people, I felt a little lost when I came into my adolescence. I felt a feeling of abandonment. Covered by pimples, gaining weight, glasses, all made me feel self conscious about myself, and though I had been told countless times how pretty I was, how I had beautiful eyes, that I was smart and thoughtful, all those compliments crashed into my eardrums and bounced back out into the world.

Valentine's Day passed a couple of weeks ago. I have never considered it a holiday that encompases love. For me, it is more of a commercial occasion, one that the "man" has made up so that we will spend our money on our betrothes in an effort to show them how much we care about them. Kan did not buy me anything and I didn't expect him to. Instead of receiving gifts once or twice a year, I'd like to receive something when someone is thinking of me. Unfortunately, that rarely happens. I don 't even buy myself a lot of things as I don't want to chance not having money to pay the bills. But I did expect to have someone tell me Happy Valentine's Day and give me a genuine hug and kiss. Instead, I was betrayed on this holiday of love. I'm not going to go into details, but I was hurt and saddened on this day by my husband, who is suppose to love me unconditionally. The whole day made me feel self conscious again, how I am not good enough. It almost made me forget how beautiful I am. This feeling was why I haven't written here in a while. I have been sorting through some things and coming to terms with myself. I still have not completely sorted out everything, but I have come to realize that I am the most important person in my life. Though I love my dear children, they need me to focus on myself so that I can be a better mother to them, so I can show them my love even when they are no longer cute and cuddly. I need to feel that I am the strong person that I am, that I deserve to be loved unconditionally.

I have still been trying to get over the sense of loss I felt after giving birth to Elle. She was a planned baby. I have always wanted a little girl and am so happy that I have her now. Kan always wanted to have more children as well and since I never wanted to have any after I turn thirty (as I want to be a "Hot Mama" when I'm fifty without being bothered too much by my kids) we decided to go ahead and get pregnant in 2007. It took about 8 months for us to conceive Elle and I was very happy and Kan was happy, but when I started to get sick from nausea and hip pain from pubic synopsis disorder, we started not to communicate as much as we usually do. I was also still in school during my pregnancy and it was difficult for me to be so tired and sick and in pain while walking through campus in the heat. It took a huge toll on me. I would be in such pain that I could not do anything at home besides rest and all the rest I got was not enough. Kan never took any initiative to help me out at home and really I was so pissed about that. I am still upset about it. We both knew that I would have to have another c-section and about a month before the surgery was scheduled, he decided he wanted to become a professional boxer. I was upset about this too and told him as he knew that I was going to need him to help me after Elle's birth. He seemed to not care about this and it hurt me deeply. I am also still hurt about this. He rarely helped out with the housework and our house became a mess. After she was born, he had to go to a boxing gym further away from the house to train and did not get home most nights until 9 or 10 o'clock when I really needed his help. I developed a horrible infection and my incision did not heal completely until the beginning of January. Elle was born at the end of September. Because of these complications, I was told by my doctor not to do any strenuous exercise or lift anything heavier than the baby, so my plans for starting to work out had to be delayed until I was completely healed.

On Valentine's Day, lots of things were discussed between Kan and I. The most hurtful one being that he said I was not attractive to him. That I had gained too much weight. Before giving birth to Elle, I had lost 55lbs, which I was very proud of. If I had not had so many complications after her birth, some being because I was doing too much like driving, housework, and other chores that I should not have been doing because he wasn't around, I would have started to lose weight and tone up earlier. He made me feel disgusting. He also made me feel disgusted toward him. I mean, how could he say something about the way I look when I just had his baby and been through so much. I could understand if I went a couple years without trying to get into better health, but only 4 months!!! It just sickens me and will take a lot for me to forgive him not only for these comments so close to the birth of our baby, but also how he has been so absent these past few months. I shouldn't be upset because at least he is being honest and I always tell him to be honest with me, even if he thinks it will hurt my feelings, but I really do think he should have kept his mouth shut about it right now. We have talked through this and I have told him what I feel about the situation, but really, I don't think that he gets it. It seems like all the men in my life are selfish bastards. They only think about their feelings or how something will affect them. Why can't someone else be a priority sometimes? I don't know. But it just disgust me when he shows this side of himself. I still love him but it seems like little pieces of my love flake away every time he does something or says something like this. I don't feel unconditionally loved, something I feel for him. He is not "all that" by any means, but I don't even see the physicality of him, I love him, not the way he looks. Sometimes I don't belive these feelings are reciprocated, though he assures me that they are. I just don't believe it and hopefully these feelings will get felt enough by me so that they will leave me.

Though I am still reeling and going through so much, I don't know what else to say about it. Just like I have stopped talking to him about it. Maybe I will think of something else later. But for right now, here are the loves of my life...

Ky being his silly self